Super Bowl
Predictions & Tons of Feathers
Friday, 2-04-2004 POSTED 5:29 PM
Hello Everyone,
First let me say a heartfelt THANK YOU to everyone from me and my family for
your thoughts and prayers for my dad....he's home from the hospital, and he has
started his regular dialysis....he is very upbeat, and although he is physically
tired, his mind (and spirit) are still very strong and positive.....
With that said, on to my first thought...
Remember the old riddle "Which weighs more - a ton of bricks or a ton of
feathers?" I thought of an updated version this riddle today when a convertible
passed me with the top down...
..."What's colder - a sunny 40 degree day in February, or a sunny 40 degree day
in November?" Why is it that on the same type of day in November, we're dressed
like its an arctic freeze, but in February we act like its Spring Break? The guy
in the convertible is most likely a guy who probably cannot figure out why he
gets walking pneumonia every winter.....being that Puxatawney Phil (or as I call
him, the "furry #$%^&%^&! bastard") saw his shadow and we're having six more
weeks of winter, there is no need to break out the suntan lotion and the
margaritas just yet!!
On to the Super Bowl - here are my Top 5 Totally Random Predictions:
1. The game will start at 10pm EST instead of 6 pm EST.
You know those big inflatable helmet tunnels that each team runs out of? This
year they are sponsored by Levitra, so there is a remote possibility that the
tunnels may stay "INFLATED FOR FOUR HOURS", requiring medical assistance.
2. As part of her ongoing feud with Paul McCartney, Yoko Ono will run out
of the stands and onto the stage during Sir Paul's halftime show, rip her top
off, and provide this year's "wardrobe malfunction". This will also lead to a
new all-time record of people using the bathroom during the Super Bowl halftime,
followed by a record amount of alcohol consumption immediately afterward, and an
incredible drop in TiVo usage....
3. Jessica Simpson will "sing" the National Anthem (as the NFL requires
all Super Bowl anthem performances to be pre-recorded), and she'll still find a
way to screw it up and blame it on her band.
4. Instead of the regular post-Super Bowl commercial of the game MVP
looking to the camera and saying "I'm going to Disneyland", the new creepy
post-Super Bowl commercial will be Michael Jackson saying "Please come to
Neverland!" (Doesn't that just make your skin crawl!)
5. And finally, the game...I'll let this joke I
received explain it for me...
...A guy from Philadelphia dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a horrible man
his entire life. The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with
asledgehammer. To make it worse he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.
After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see
if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Philadelphian is
happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.
The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this... I've turned the
heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"
The Philadelphian, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is
great! It reminds me of August in Philadelphia. Hot, humid, a good place to
work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"
The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Philadelphian's
remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and
torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to
his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the Philadelphian is happily slogging
through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.
Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions...
The Philadelphian replies, "This is great! Just like April in
Philadelphia. It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!"
The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the
Philadelphian suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is
blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the
Philadelphian unhappy, the devil checks in on him. He is again aghast at
what he sees. The Philadelphian is dancing, singing, and twirling his
sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.
"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!?" screams the devil.
Jumping up and down the Philadelphian throws a snowball at the devil and yells,
"Hell's frozen over!! This means the Eagles won the Super Bowl!!"
My pick:
Patriots - 24
Eagles - 19
Take care, and enjoy the game!!
Lane
Ashlee
Crashed & Burned...Again
Friday, 1-08-2004 POSTED 12:45 AM
Happy New Year!
Just when you thought it couldn't get worse for Ashlee Simpson.....
What radio station hasn't goofed on her about this one? I heard the clip
on three stations on the way home today....In case you haven't seen or
heard the clip, Ashlee crashed and burned during her halftime performance at
the Orange Bowl.....she was so out of tune that the lip-synch track wouldn't
have saved her.....in fact, she was so bad, the closed-captioning on the TV
changed to "Boy, does this suck!" In all honesty, the only thing comparable
to her performance would have been Up With People doing a musical tribute to
the movie "Gigli".....
Personally, I think the Orange Bowl blew a golden opportunity for the
halftime show - as the game is played in Miami, and USC was playing in the
game, they could have done a completely different "Simpson" halftime show,
as one of the most famous USC graduates is a Miami resident...the one and
only Orenthal James Simpson! (He was at the game the other night - most
likely in a bulletproof skybox!)
This is how the halftime show should've gone down:
"A Tribute to The Juice" - featuring the USC Marching Band playing music
inspired by OJ:
- "Right Place, Wrong Time"
- "Backstabbers" (coincidentally recorded by the O'Jays!!)
- "Whodunit"
- "Leavin' On A Jet Plane"
- "It Wasn't Me"
and for the grand finale:
- "Lonesome Loser", with the band spelling out the words "I DID IT"
(Trust me, this show would have been KILLER.)
As always, the thoughts aren't serious, but the therapy is great!!
Peace
Lane
Seasons
Greetings Everyone
Wednesday, 12-01-2004 POSTED 10:42 PM
It's the most
wonderful time of the year??
Today's car rant -
Can someone please tell me why most of the radio stations
started playing Christmas music a week BEFORE Thanksgiving?
Don't get me wrong - I love the "classic" Christmas music
(Nat King Cole, Andy Williams, Johnny Mathis, etc.), but
would any of us be musically deprived if we didn't have to
listen to the Air Supply rendition of "Sleigh Ride?"
This is the time
of year where anybody and everybody is involved in either
holiday music or a holiday special. (I guess the holidays
aren't complete without "A Queer Eye Christmas" on Bravo!)
So before MTV hits us with "Nick and Jessica - a Kwanzaa
Celebration", here is my contribution to the Hollywood
holiday celebrations gone extremely wrong:
(WARNING - this is
PG-13!)
"A Snoop Dogg
Christmas"
(aka "Twas the
Nizzle Before Chrizizzle")
Twas the Nizzle
Before Chrizizzle,
and there was
hardly a twich,
as I knocked down
a cold 40
while I was
chillin' with my b-tch.
My homies are a-sleepin',
all snug in their
cribs,
Dreamin' of some
collard greens
with the Kool-Aid
and some ribs.
In the
night up on the roof,
there was
a crash and lots-a noize
could it
be a m---f--- with a bag full of toys?
He
dropped the gifts and off he went
with his
sleigh and his reindeer,
He said
"I ain't gettin' jacked, let's get the
f---
outta here!"
My ho's
all got new hot pants,
my b-tches
got new shoes,
my homies
got some Mad Dog
to go
with their gin and juice.
The
Doggfather he got himself
a brand
new Cadillac
With a
brand new set of hubcaps
And
hydraulics that are whack!
So now my
stories done,
and the
groove is gonna fizzle,
so Merry
Christmas to you all, and have a Happy New Yizzle!
(Yes, sometimes I
even scare myself.)
Happy
Holidays!
Lane
1600 miles is a lot to put on a
rental car in 5 days...
Wednesday, 11-23-2004 POSTED 2:47 PM
Happy Early Turkey Day Everyone,
As many of you know, I just came back from warm, sunny Arizona
last week, and during my stay, I had a lot of free time, and WAY
too much time to gather some of my thoughts while driving around
in the desert (is 1600 miles a lot to put on a rental car in 5
days?) A couple of these thoughts came to mind on the plane and
after I got home, as you'll clearly see.....
1. My Solution for Daylight Savings Time: As some states
(like Arizona) do not observe Daylight Savings Time, here is my
suggestion: Next March when all 50 states are all back on
Standard time, why not turn our clocks back a half hour (the
average between Standard and Daylight Savings Time), and leave
them the hell alone??
2. Driving in the USA: No matter where you live, or where
you drive, you will always get stuck on the highway behind a
blue-haired slowpoke....in a Buick.
3. Flying Commercial: Memo to US Air - IF YOU TAKE A HEAD
COUNT BEFORE THE FLIGHT LEAVES THE AIRPORT, YOU SHOULD NOT RUN
OUT OF LUNCHES FOR YOUR PASSENGERS. FLYING ACROSS THE COUNTRY ON
A BAG OF PRETZELS AND A DIET COKE REALLY SUCKED. Here's a great
slogan you should also consider - "If the person sitting next to
you on the flight loses their lunch, your next flight is free!"
(At least the person next to me got a lunch before they lost
it.)
4. The NBA: In light of the melee at the Pistons/Pacers
game this past Friday night, the NBA should now stand for
"Nothing But Assholes."
And finally.....
5. The Monday Night Football/"Desperate Housewives" skit
fiasco: Let me get this straight - the NFL is outraged that
Monday Night Football presented something that was considered
too "sexual" for America....but those Levitra/Cialis (both
official NFL sponsors) commercials broadcast during Sunday (and
probably Thanksgiving) afternoons stating that "consult a
physician if an erection lasts more than four hours"* are OK?
(*on a side note, I think most men in that situation would call
RIPLEYS' BELIEVE IT OR NOT before they would call a doctor.)
And thanks to corporate sponsorship, we're now only a few years
away from NFL games being played at stadiums that will probably
be renamed "Trojan Field" or the "Viagra Dome".....I guess I'm
just thankful that the MNF skit didn't star Roseanne Barr and
William "The Refrigerator" Perry.....that would've cause a few
(million) nightmares.....
On a serious note, I sincerely hope that you all have a very
Happy Thanksgiving with your friends and families, and that you
all have a very happy holiday season!!
Take care!
Lane
Tuesday, 10-28-2004 POSTED 7:19 PM
Call it fate, but during a set break on my Saturday night gig,
my keyboard player Jan Stevens inquired why I haven't sent out
e-mail in quite a while......my response was that nothing good
has happened in the news recently. (sorry Red Sox fans, but I'm
a New Yorker, so I can't goof on the Yankees)
Little did I know that a couple of hours later, I'd have an
abundance of material, thanks to Saturday Night Live!
And finally, here are my 10 quick thoughts from the car ride
home, after hearing snippets of the Today Show interview on the
radio:
Michelangelo was an artist.
Tony Bennett is a singer.
As always, the opinions in this e-mail are not serious, and hold
no merit.....kinda like Ben Affleck's acting career at this
point.....
